By Taylor Smith, Staff Writer

Published in print Feb. 11, 2015

My little rant for this week is a bit tragic in some sense.  It is an opinion piece that I actually intend to take seriously and yet I know that no matter how loud I type, the people it is addressing will neither read it nor do anything to stop it.  I speak about people who pass by resident halls while behaving in the most insufferable, obnoxious way possible.  Normally this is the part where I joke and say “you know who you are,” but I know that the reality is that you don’t.  That would imply you have a decent level of awareness which would mean that you wouldn’t be the kind of person to drive by a dorm with your car’s stereo system blaring at max volume.  My current living situation places me right next to a parking lot, a parking lot for college students.  The same college students who come to this parking lot at 1:30 in the morning hyped up or just high from a party they recently left.  Even worse than those inconsiderable prick masters are the people who just park and hold a concert in their cars.  I personally can’t stand country music, so imagine my disdain to listening to distorted country music outside my window.

What irritates me the most is how there is really nothing to be done about dealing with this issue.  I suppose I could move somewhere quieter but that is too much hassle.  Also, why should I be the one to cave in and leave?  I could try going outside and asking them to be quiet or shout at them from my window but that too is more work than what is needed.  Plus I would look like a grumpy old man and I am only a grumpy young man.  What’s even more upsetting is that these people will continue to act the way they do, never seeing any sort of punishment and that fact alone is probably the worst aspect of this problem.

Of course, I don’t make these rants without creating some sort of viable solution.  I’m fairly certain that some of you reading this have been in similar situations.  So here is how we, as comrades, can solve this problem.  Window mounted crossbows.  No I’m not suggesting we fire sharp, deadly crossbow bolts at people; these people annoy me but they don’t deserve to die.  I’m advocating that we shoot snakes instead; yes I said snakes.  Let’s pretend you’re in your car listening to the pop music, I don’t know what the kids listen to these days.  You are getting really into it so naturally you turn the volume up.  Some other students nearby approach your car and say, “Hey it’s a song! I like songs!”  Soon a congregation is formed of people singing the song.  They’re singing and dancing, they are all having a good time.  Everyone except the residents of a nearby dorm.  These hardworking students are trying to focus on their studies but can’t, all because of a few annoying college kids and the pop music. 

You are still in your car, watching everyone sing and dance.  Suddenly, you notice something flying through the air; it’s travelling quickly and getting larger by the second.  Then there are other, similar shapes also soaring through the skies.  They begin to land all around, the students immediately notice what monsters are raining down on them and panic consumes the crowd.  You see them run, trip, and scramble as snakes fall from the heavens.  One person dashes to your car trying to get in but you lock the doors.  They give you a look of fear mixed with a single thought, “Why?  Why have you betrayed me?”  You look forward and notice a serpent slithering down the windshield.  It turns its head to you and hisses.  Then, the scaly beast begins to talk, “Turn it down, turn it down.” 

So yeah, I think that’s how I would solve that problem.