By Taylor Smith, Staff Writer

Published in print Mar. 24, 2015

Many of you may have noticed that this week marks the return of the campus-wide event Humans v. Zombies.  I put ‘v.’ instead of ‘versus’ because I would find the game much more entertaining if done in the style of a dramatic courtroom showdown.  Instead, the campus is treated to the sight of college students running about campus and an increased chance of a passerby being ran into or trampled.  For those of you who have seen the game play out, you’ve most likely shared some rather judgmental thoughts on the participants.  “Why does that person have a sword instead of a gun?  Why is that person wearing a cape?  Why does this person wear a bandolier but only carries five Nerf bullets?”  First of all, shame on you.  Second, you’ve made some good points. 

Obviously, there is a stigma attached to the game that deems it “uncool;” especially since it was denounced by the United Kool Kids of America.   Honestly, I think we who do not partake may be a bit disparaging on the game’s participants.  There is a way to change this perception of the game so that everyone on campus looks upon it with reverence instead of annoyance.  I believe the best way to fix this is to add a few modifications to the game and by modifications I mean, altering the game in the absolute worst way possible.

One adjustment to the game could be replacing the silly Nerf guns with paintball guns.  The problem with Nerf guns is that they are just not very reliable as weapons.  The bullets don’t go far and they are not accurate at all; also let’s not forget the sad fact that they don’t hurt.  As a passerby, you may worry about getting hit by one of these guns, but you know they don’t hurt at all.  Paintball guns on the other hand, those hurt.  In fact, the element of inflicting and receiving pain may be what elevates the game from “that event for nerds” to “the path to becoming a real American hero.”  Imagine stumbling upon a game of HvZ when paintballs are being used.  The sound of plastic balls being fired from tanks of CO2 is sure to disperse that crowd much quicker than flimsy little Nerf guns. 

I’d say this also adds a level of realism to HvZ; the multitude of people fleeing in terror would resemble an actual zombie apocalypse.  The point I’m trying to make is that everyone would get involved in the event.  All of the organizers of campus events constantly worry about turnout rates.  Just think about how the organizers of Humans vs. Zombies would feel once they see students scatter by the hundreds to find safety.

Now I know what you are thinking, “But we can’t let a bunch of college students run around campus shooting paintball guns!  This is unacceptable!  I don’t know how to have fun!”  Indeed you do not.  If the students can’t use the campus as their playground, then why not let them use the Rec center.  Since a second one is being built, I can’t see why a special area cannot be built for paintball, Nerf, or maybe even laser tag.  This should surely get people going to the Rec center.  Think about it, most people don’t like working out at the gym because of the fear of being judged.  So what is an easy way for someone to display dominance?  Violence.  Kids love violence, and that is mostly who Humans vs. Zombies appeals to.  The kids who play them Call of Duties and the Halo.

I can guarantee that there would be a steady increase in the number of students who go to the Rec center if they were given the chance to shoot each other.  That is until they all become sore from being hit with hundreds of plastic balls; then that number will probably decline.  Yet look on the bright side, that kid who we all point and laugh at with the double-bladed toy sword, he might have the chance to be cool.  He could be the Rambo of UNCG. 

The best part of this whole plan, those of us who do not care will no longer have to worry about being ran over by a gang of college students chasing each other around campus, and frankly, I think that is what we all really want.