By Taylor Smith, Staff Writer

Published in print Apr. 1, 2015

As many of you know, spring officially started last week.  Don’t worry if you didn’t realize it, for it certainly doesn’t feel like it.  With a new season arriving, there comes a multitude of natural hindrances.  Spring is known for its horrendous pollen, frequent showers, warmer weather, and the occasional death by ravenous bees. 

I once suggested a series of ideas that UNCG could use to prepare for the winter weather, this week, I shall make suggestions on how the university can prepare for the encroaching new season.

To start, I think I can speak for everyone that the worst aspect of spring weather is the pollen.  Nothing is more annoying than having to go outside and see trees having sex.  It’s also incredibly inappropriate, children go outside and they shouldn’t have to see any of that sick filth.  There is also the problem with allergies; clearly, trees are doing nothing good for the students of UNCG.  To solve this problem, I believe the university should provide its students with axes so we can murder the trees.  All of them.  By the time we are done, not a single tree will be left standing within fifty miles from the campus.  History will remember this event as “The Chopping.”  Sure, a few decades from now there will be activists who demand the university apologize for its acts of atrocity.  Yet look on the bright side, you don’t have to buy anymore allergy medicine.

Spring also marks the start of warmer weather and warmer weather leads to hot weather.  Hot weather, of course, leads to skin cancer and skin cancer is bad.  Studies show that 99 percent of people polled do not want skin cancer. 

It wouldn’t look so good on UNCG if most of its student population were to get skin cancer in the coming weeks.  To prevent this, the university should invest in a giant sun shield that blocks the sun from shining on campus.  It may be a bit costly to build such a tall structure; perhaps the water tower outside of Tower Village can be used as a foundation.  If I’m honest, I think this is one of my better, more reasonable ideas to date and I certainly did not steal it from that one episode of The Simpsons.

Finally, the spring season is also the time in which bugs and other pests begin to crawl from their hellish, underground lairs.  Flies, gnats, spiders, bees, flying scorpions, and legions of other nightmarish insects will soon emerge to terrorize the university.  Last year, UNCG had to offer up five of its students to appease the insect overlords.  These were the students who had accrued the most debt so they were probably going to kill themselves anyway.  No one wants to see five more students get offered up to the spiders, which is why we need to negotiate with the insects instead of cowering from them.  I propose that UNCG elect an ambassador to speak with the insect horde on how they and the students can share the campus without us having to worry about being carried away by the flying scorpions.

Hopefully, the university will heed my suggestions for the coming season.  They ignored my wisdom on how to handle the winter weather; no wonder we missed so many days from the snow.  Will we have to miss anymore in the month of April?  Will the campus close again from the onslaught of solar radiation?  Will we be able to roam the campus without the fear of bees carrying spiders?  Who can say, my friends, who can say?