By Taylor Smith, Staff Writer

Published in print Apr. 22, 2015

With graduation hurdling towards many of us, including myself, I think it is important to reflect back on our time at UNCG. 

Our accomplishments, our failures, these things define what we will remember as this moment in our lives. 

That said, I feel quite awful about my time here at UNCG.

I keep looking back and I see nothing but mischief and corruption wherever I turn.  It doesn’t matter if it was my own doing; I witnessed some pretty shady stuff in the last few years. 

Since this will be my last article for The Carolinian, I figured I should clear my conscious by talking about what I believe to be my greatest failing here at UNCG.

In my time at UNCG, I have been employed at a business that I will not name.  This company offered me a job through a friend— a friend who was also my roommate.  Let’s call this friend Bob.

It turns out that our other roommate was a high-ranking staff member not named Alfonzo.

  I was further surprised to learn that our last roommate, not named Belzezar, also happened to work for the company. 

Now, nepotism isn’t the worst form of corruption, but it does make your business look suspicious, especially when I realized this incestuous web continued to expand.

  I later found out that Not Alfonzo’s mistress also worked at the same company.

I found it odd that they could get away with this but I continued to do my job without question.

Then one day, Bob approached me and said that Not Alfonzo had hooked him up with a date.  I looked at my friend and amicably replied, “I don’t care Bob, get the hell out of my room and for god’s sake fix your teeth.” 

The next day I found out that Not Alfonzo had set my friend Bob up with a coworker; we’ll call her Leonardo. 

As usual, I kept my head down, I didn’t really care about the nepotism— I was just glad I had a job. 

Unfortunately, my happiness would quickly come to an end once I found out what the company was planning next.

I went into the office one day and noticed that the entire place was dark, except for a creepy, glowing light beaming in the middle of the room.

I approached and noticed the entire staff were wearing red cloaks and holding daggers.

Bob was lying down on a stone slab as the rest of my coworkers encircled him. 

I asked them what they were doing and Bob, that poor, naïve little boy, looked at me and said, “They’re sending me to paradise!” 

Not Alfonzo turned to me and explained that they were trying to unleash a curse on UNCG and they needed to sacrifice Bob to make it happen. 

I asked, “What kind of curse?”  Not Belzezar hissed, “The curse of inconvenience you fool!”

I looked on in horror as they slowly inched their knives towards Bob. 

I would have no part in this so I ran out of the office and returned to campus. 

It was then that I witnessed the terrors that my coworkers had wrought to UNCG. 

I could hear the agonizing sounds, the cries of the people, the clanking of eldritch machinery.

As I came closer, I became more and more disturbed by the monstrosity that lay before me. 

There was a large, tattered banner; it said, “Here be Spartapalooza!”

I collapsed on the ground, raised my fists towards the sky, and shouted, “They made me move my car for this?”

If only I had said something about the nepotism…if only I had said something.