Ryan Shockey
Web Manager

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Much of what you believe now will later be shattered by an obnoxious man who will probably wear glasses and have a distinct lisp.

Taurus

April 20 -May 20

Dogs will find themselves inexplicably attracted to your shins, this week and you may receive good news from a vet or a lawyer.

Gemini

May 21 -June 20

Install that software, make it a priority! (Don’t blame us if your computer starts dissolving.) Although you never really felt like you made a difference yesterday, your kind words and understanding made the world spin 0.0001% faster for approximately 3 nano-seconds.

Cancer

June 21 -July 22

Correlating facts is an awesome responsibility. Are you sure you’re up to it? You are not a loser. You just…don’t…not…un-win..

Leo

July 23 -August 22

Many of the solutions given to you in life make you feel like there’s no hope. This is true.

Virgo

August 23 -September 22

The number of times you walk into a door will today cause you to seek out new ways of thinking.

Libra

September 23 -October 22

The age you should be acting like is written on the soles of your shoes and don’t let others stifle your creativity. It’s alright to make paintings out of their droppings.

Scorpio

October 23 -November 21

You will start to feel animosity towards forms of public transport and its workers, simultaneously regretting having your foot injured in a closing door and punching the driver.

Sagittarius

November 22 -December 21

The smell of dead moles may begin to affect you today. Presenting yourself with home-made cardboard awards is probably not the sanest way to go about giving yourself a morale boost.

Capricorn

December 22 -January 19

Your “rustic charms” are not an excuse for being smelly and dirty and there is a lot of anger in your brain. Keep it in.

Aquarius

January 20 -February 18

You dig? “Hunky-dory” – a beautiful phrase that will sum up the day, week and

month for you.

Pisces

February 19 -March 20

Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were

trying to be funny. You also lack confidence and are a general dipshit. Just saying.