Liz Hyman, Senior Staff Writer  

To anyone who asks, I tell them that I’m an atheist.  

While it’s a short and sweet answer, it’s not completely true. I wish I was an atheist, but I have too much hope. I want so badly to believe in something, and I can’t help but feel like that “something” is right around the corner. It isn’t organized. It isn’t one thing. It’s just everywhere.  

I was raised Catholic, which didn’t last long. Catholicism wasn’t bad; it just wasn’t for me! I remember getting communion, I remember the Ten Commandments, and I remember that my parents let me skip confession. Every Christmas Eve since I was born, we’ve gone to Mass, which I find extremely endearing. God and I have never been best friends, but we’ve never really had the chance to be close. We’re like those relatives that know of each other but never meet. God to me is like the third cousin you’ve never met who, when you meet, wants a hug and a kiss and asks you how school’s going…it’s just awkward!  

Since waning off Catholicism, I’ve dabbled in everything you can think of: Wicca in high school, Buddhism for a week, runes, tarot cards, meditation, a month of Unitarian Universalism, and now…. I’m meeting with a Rabbi. This one feels different from the rest. I’m not Jewish, but I believe Jewish-ly, if that makes sense. I don’t believe Jesus was the son of God, I think don’t think divorce is unnatural (The Torah allows it!), and I think that Hell is a personal struggle rather than a designated fiery pit.  

This isn’t my first meeting with a Rabbi. I almost converted to Judaism a few years ago, but got cold feet before conversion classes began. Though I got scared, that Rabbi I met with simply told me that God is what I want him to be (This is a paraphrase of course, but it made me slowly realize that faith is personal). There’s no right way, no timeline.  

I think in meeting with this Rabbi, I’ll get a sense of peace. There are 10,000 world religions, how can I possibly know which one works for me? I have a strong connection to human ideals as opposed to faith and doctrine. I believe in love, I believe in friendship, I believe in kindness, and I believe in generosity and mercy. One might say THOSE are my Gods! I love that idea, but I think I’m hungry for more. I’d like a God that I can turn to when I get overwhelmed, but I’d also like to sidestep the guilt, the magical thinking, and the judgement. Maybe I should put an ad in the newspaper:  

“22-Year-Old Transgender Female, seeking God. Jewish principles preferred but not required. Must be proficient in listening and helping, but don’t judge me or threaten me with your godly ways. If you’re an ethereal, genderfluid creature, that’s a bonus. If you manifest love and kindness, like I think you do, then please let me know that I am on the right track. If you’re just everything, everywhere, all the time, then I’m OK with that too.”