UNCG security would benefit from Robocop
By Taylor Smith, Staff Writer
Recently, UNCG finished construction of a new campus police station on the south side of the university. Now I don’t intend to lessen the importance of the campus police with this week’s article. UNCG’s police force is an essential asset to the university and those who work to keep our campus safe and secure do not get enough of the attention they deserve. Therefore I will be continuing that tradition by talking about how the university should have spent the money for the new station on building Robocop. Yes, an on-campus, patrolling Robocop.
When I was a child people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I responded by saying, “I want to be Robocop.” Decades later, that answer has not changed. Robocop is the best thing to come out of movies; he’s a robot and a cop. Just imagine walking around campus at night and noticing a suspicious looking person lurking in the shadows. The enigmatic figure slowly approaches you causing a shroud of anxiety to fall over you. Then, there is a mechanical clanking noise in the distance. You look back and see the silhouette of a tall, metallic savior. He approaches, looks over at the shady individual and says, “Stay out of trouble.” The creep runs away and the day is saved, all thanks to Robocop. Now I can think of a hundred reasons why UNCG needs its own Robocop, but due to hyperbole I am only going to give four.
Reason 1: Robocop is a one man police force. Why worry about having to build new police stations or employing multiple police officers when we can have a single, unrelenting enforcer of justice? Sure he may not be everywhere at once however, once would-be criminals hear that UNCG is being guarded by Robocop they will run over to a nearby gas station and rob it instead. Sucks for the guy working there, but at least the university is safe.
Reason 2: Robocop is nearly invincible. People in law enforcement are always under the risk of being injured or worse while on the job. Cops are only human after all; meaning they don’t have high chances of walking away after being shot at. You know who can do that? Robocop.
Reason 3: Robocop has the best catchphrases. Eventually someone will attempt to rob one of the marketplaces on campus and it will be up to UNCG’s Robocop to lay down the arm of the law. As the thief makes a run for it, he mistakenly crosses the path of Robocop. The cybernetic dispenser of justice says, “Dead or alive, you’re coming with me.” In that moment, all of the onlookers turn to each other with bright smiles on their faces. A single thought is synchronized in their heads; he said it, he said the line. The criminal scum draws a gun and points it forward. In response, Robocop draws his Auto 9 select-fire machine pistol with three-round burst mode. “You’re move, creep.” The unlawful filth drops the bag of money and the gun, cowering before the intense image of Robocop.
Reason 4: Robocop has a cool theme song. I have always believed that the sirens on Robocop’s police car should be replaced with his iconic Basil Poledouris anthem. No longer will the students of UNCG hear the sounds of the classic police sirens. Instead what they will hear roaring down the road will be: dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun duun, dun dun dun dun dun duuuun, dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun duuuuuun, dun dun dun dun duuuuuun! Dun dun duuuuun!
In case you cannot tell, Robocop is an inspiration to me. Robocop is about a man wrestling with the machine to reclaim his humanity. That’s kind of how life feels sometimes; going through the motions of work and school. Yet I know that in order to overcome this machine all I have to do is have my arms and legs shot off with shotguns so I can be rebuilt as Robocop. I’m not sure where this metaphor is going, I just want it to end with Robocop.