By Taylor Smith, Staff Writer
Published in print Feb. 25, 2015
By now, pretty much everyone is aware of the aftermath from last week’s blizzard. Classes were cancelled, facilities shut down, and the roads were nearly impossible to drive on. There is a running joke that North Carolina tends to have the most extreme, melodramatic response to even the possibility of snow. Despite this, the efforts to prepare for the winter storms don’t seem to be all too helpful for the residents of North Carolina. Sure we put salt on the roads and have bulldozers clean up the snow but aren’t there better ways to prepare for these mini-natural disasters? Fortunately for you all, I am here to bestow my great and infinite wisdom. So this week, I will be offering five ways in which UNCG can be ready for the next snowstorm.
Have salt be dispensed from helicopters.
The quickest, most efficient method of laying salt on the ground would be from helicopters. The trucks that do this have the problem of dealing with traffic. They also can’t place salt on the sidewalks; another tool is required to do that. With helicopters, the pilot just has to circle around campus for about ten minutes while the helicopter rains salt. Sure it might land on people, maybe get in their eyes and cause severe pain, but it’s quick.
Form a volunteer snow shoveling organization for students.
Universities are supposed to provide students with a multitude of opportunities to get involved with the campus and learn new skills. By having students partake in clearing the campus of snow, UNCG is effectively killing two birds with one stone. Of course, providing each student with their own shovel may be a bit expensive. Therefore this organization will be given about five and a half shovels for the students to share. The half is just the shovel head. Not only will this remove the snow but students will come to learn valuable cooperation skills as they move around campus doing manual labor in freezing temperatures.
Politely ask for the snow to go away.
People tend to get very defensive when something bad happens to them. In the case of snow, people freak out about their work schedule being ruined or not being able to go to the store for food. In these fits of rage, do any of us bother to think about how the snow must feel? Sure it was rude of it to get in everyone’s way, but maybe the snow was having a bad day? Maybe the snow couldn’t help itself. Maybe if we kindly ask the snow to fall somewhere else, it’ll listen and shut down some other town. Try it the next time you hear reports of snow. Go outside and say, “Hey snow, I would greatly appreciate it if you didn’t fall on our town. If I can’t get any milk and bread then my family will have to feed off of our youngest child. That’s not cool; no pun intended.”
Prevent students from making murderous snowmen.
Most people don’t now this but I’m going to inform you all for your own safety. The snowmen our plotting to overthrow humanity. You see, the snowmen fell like they are being enslaved. After all, it is we who determine where they stand and how they look. Not only that, but we let them slowly die by melting over the course of days. That’s a horrible way to die if you think about it. One day the snowmen are going to say enough is enough and we will be made to suffer. Clearly the best way to stop the inevitable snowmen rebellion is prevent them from appearing on campus. So the next time you see someone making a snowman on campus, walk up to them and ask, “Do you want the snowmen to strangle you in your sleep?” Then you should proceed to curb stomp the snowman to death.
The campus collectively offers a sacrifice to Helios the sun god.
Let’s assume the previous ideas are just not good and UNCG finds itself in a winter deathocalypse. Most of the students are blind from the raining salt, the snow doesn’t want to leave because it is a bit of a jerk, and some fool has unleashed a horde of vengeful snowmen. How is the university going to solve this crisis and get rid of the snow? Simple, everyone gathers outside the EUC and builds an altar to the Greek sun god, Helios. Everyone recites a prayer and offers sacrifice in the hope that Helios drives his radiant sun chariot across the sky. Only then, with divine intervention, will UNCG finally be rid of the snow and all the evils that come with it.