The Trump Speech to UNCG

Caroline Martian/The Carolinian

Caroline Martian/The Carolinian

Mark Parent
Opinions Editor

Unless you’ve been living in a hippie cult for the last three months, you’re well aware that Donald Trump is running for President. And, as a political junkie with an odd brain, I thought it would be cool to imagine a Donald Trump speech specifically tailored to the students of UNC-Greensboro.

That’s right, grab your seat in the Aycock auditorium and get ready to have your mind blown by the next president of the United States, Donald J. Trump.

“Hello, UNCG! I may not have known you existed before last night, but it really is wonderful to be here. It’s always a privilege to speak before such a conservative student body and tell the world that we’re gonna make America great agaiSo, you know, I’m number one in all of the polls. There was a poll out of Public Policy Polling a couple of weeks ago that put me at number one here in North Carolina, which is great. It’s just so great to see that the silent majority is back in North Carolina and in the country!” (Deafening applause.)

“This is truly special for me because I’m getting to speak in the Aycock auditorium. Now, I don’t know much about the guy it’s named after, but some guy in an Obama t-shirt told me he was a really great person. Of course, his building is kind of lame compared to all of mine, but I’m sure we still have lots in common. This wooden stage is just not classy; I personally prefer marble.

Anyway, many of you probably hear all of those haters and losers outside protesting this speech. Don’t be afraid of them, though. They’re just bitter people — maybe they can’t find a date or something.

You know, they all smelled really bad, too. I bet they haven’t taken a shower or shaved in two months. Then again, what more could we possibly expect from Greenpeace activists? Come on, they’re more annoying than that fat cow, Rosie O’Donnell.

Oh, and don’t think that because I called Rosie a fat cow that I’m somehow insensitive and sexist. I love women. I don’t really love fat women — I prefer supermodels that are far younger than me — but I would never treat a fat woman differently than a moderately attractive, skinny woman.”

(Member of the college Democrats stands up and begins heckling Trump.)

“Sit down. Sit down. You’re not acting very nice, young lady. You know, you’re too pretty to be a Democrat; you should be a Republican.”

(College Democrat is escorted out of the room while shouting, “Vote for Hillary Clinton! She’s so honest and trustworthy!”)

“I get so tired of this whole political correctness thing. I never offend people. All I ever do is point out the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts a little. Plus, real people love what I say. If you don’t believe me, then look at the polls. You know, I’m number one in all of the polls. They all even said that I won the record-breaking debate on Fox.

And since we’re in college, I have to point out that I’m really, like really, smart. You know, I went to the Wharton School at UPenn, one of the greatest business schools in the world. I’ve written all kinds of great books, like the all-time great, “The Art of the Deal.” In fact, it’s my second favorite book of all-time, behind the Bible. Just don’t ask me to tell you my favorite bible verse — I don’t know any — and don’t ask me if I can remember the last time I asked God for forgiveness because I don’t need to.

Hey, did you know I’m winning the social conservative vote right now? No joke. They love me.

So, on my drive into campus, I noticed a bunch of people wearing Bernie Sanders t-shirts heading to a protest event around the corner. It must be really great that all of Bernie’s supporters are unemployed and have time to go hold those silly events. I mean, seriously, Bernie could never make it in the business world. He’d be poor, like dirt poor, and not successful at all. You know, I’m really rich. I’m worth $10 billion, which is a lot of money.

Now, all of you should know that under President Trump, you’re going to be crazy rich, too. I’ll make this country so rich that you won’t believe your eyes…or your bank accounts. And I’m the only one that can make this country rich again.

Jeb Bush, that low-energy loser, can’t do it; Chris Christie, the guy who can’t even fix himself a nutritious lunch, can’t fix the economy; Rand Paul is just too short to bring our jobs back; and Scott Walker has a terrible bald-spot, unlike me.

It’s really been great speaking to all of you today. I especially appreciate the five faculty members that decided to show up and come out of the closet as conservatives. It was a really brave thing to do.”

(Crowd erupts in applause.)

“In all honesty, this seems like a really great school. If you just got rid of those environmental nuts, hipsters and politically correct people, then you’d have an amazing school. It might even be as great as some of my golf courses…well, maybe that’s too high of a bar. My golf courses, after all, are some of the best in the world.

So, let me leave you with this thought: we’re going to make America great again! In Trump’s America, we’ll build a wall to keep out all of the illegals, speak without a filter, be married to supermodels, have lots of money, put our names on every expensive thing we own and wear $10,000 suits while talking to a bunch of broke college kids.

Thank you and good night!”


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