Jackson Cooper
    Staff Writer

I don’t know why I still have a Facebook. Now, I can understand Tumblr, because it’s always entertaining. And Twitter, well, let’s just say a lot of important people are on Twitter.

However, Facebook is just more personal, like what MySpace was to us ‘90s kids back in the day. Currently, Facebook has evolved into what Instagram was when it first came out: an annoying outlet for annoying people to make their lives look better than they actually are.

Don’t get me wrong; I use Facebook a lot — mostly to stay in contact with my friends in New York and Europe. But, sadly, this form of connecting with others transformed into that “mom-at-a-PTA-meeting-who-talks-about-her-child’s-Red-Dye-Number-4-allergy-as-if-it-pertains-to-everybody-in-the-room” social media outlet.

That’s why this week, I will share the top ways you can also make your life sound better than it actually is. And through this, you’ll be able to gain all of those coveted “likes” that satisfy your empty, sad life that is dominated by Internet validation.

5. Connecting your Instagram to Facebook

I always dig pictures of food — in my next life, I hope to become chief food critic for the New York Times — but a picture of you and your boyfriend at the beach with a Lana Del Ray quote will always make people think you’re not only hip with the new music scene but that you are a human being with the capacity to love.

Be sure to post every Instagram picture to Facebook, including the ninth time your cat asked for a belly rub, your significant other in an oversized t-shirt and most importantly, a picture of you kissing a baby. The latter will tell people that you are not only family-oriented but will make a good presidential candidate.

4. Reassuring your loved one how you love them more than anyone can ever love anyone ever

Your beau may be the greatest thing ever to happen to you in the history of ever…literally. So why not tell them by writing on his or her wall? Even though you sleep next to him or her every night, it’s probably a smart idea to let everyone see that you really mean it. Because, let’s face it, even though it’s just you two in the relationship, if 36 other people don’t “like” it, it probably isn’t meant to be. Another idea: after writing on the Facebook wall, write on the actual wall at home that you love him or her. Then he or she will really get the picture.

3. Post at least one video of you singing/playing the ukulele every day

Sufjan Stevens probably did the “normal” thing musicians did: play actual concerts in places where people go to see music. Little did he know that the new place for up and coming musicians with a guitar in hand and a song in heart to perform is Facebook: the world’s biggest stage. Posting a video of you playing a song a day to your friends gets your reputation for being a consistent performer out to your biggest fan-base: the internet. If Mr. Stevens had done the same, he’d probably be famous by now.

2. Share how you are #TooBlessedToBeStressed

Did you hit a small child while choosing your Spotify playlist but survived in one piece? If so, then some angel is watching over you.

Some days, life is just too good to be true, like when the Starbucks barista added an extra pump of caramel to your latte, or your mom sends you five new pairs of jeans (and they all fit!), or your significant other showed up to your dorm with a flower they found on the walk over. Boy, life just can’t seem to be better. You are truly #TooBlessedToBeStressed. Don’t keep that to yourself. Your friends and high school teachers need to share in the glory of your amazing life.

1. Always share your thoughts on anything and everything political

You’re an American, right? If you’re not exercising your First Amendment right to freedom of speech by sharing your views on political issues that have an impact on this country, then you aren’t as patriotic as you say you are. After all, our very own president is monitoring Facebook through the NSA, so he wants to know that everyone cares about the country.

Sharing your views helps establish yourself as an informed citizen, so use pictures, summarize quotes you’ve heard on Fox News and MSNBC, reply to every comment people leave, and don’t forget to throw in a few passages from the Good Book (you know, “Killing Lincoln” by Bill O’Reilly).

Whether you’re a social media fanatic or occasional Internet wanderer, it’s important that your life achieve celebrity status to your “friends.”

It was recently reported that Mark Zuckerberg is adding a “dislike” button; so, if you follow the above list, you’ll be the one that everyone will “like.”