Mark Parent
Opinions Editor

Oh, what a great time to be in college!

Halloween, the creepiest day of the year, is officially upon us, which means that every type of student will have a chance to showcase his or her individuality by pretending to be someone else.

That’s right, the creeps will be even creepier, the sorority girls will dress provocatively, the frat guys will inevitably drink to excess, and the art students will…well, be artsy.

Yet, for all of this fun, there are bound to be dozens of lame people on campus who will try their best to ruin your night of mischief.

These people, of course, are those who subscribe to a pure view of political correctness; personally, I like to call them speech fascists.

However, in the interest of satisfying the many complaints levied by these sad individuals, I have generously compiled a list of politically correct costumes.

Now, I’m no expert in political correctness, but I think this list is precisely what all students must abide by on Halloween night; after all, we don’t want to make anyone have to run to his or her safe-space.

1. Basic Girl   

Seriously, how can you beat this costume?

As a basic girl, you have an excuse to wear Uggs, drink an absurdly large amount of Starbucks and be obsessed with Instagram. And on top of that, you get to speak in a squeaky voice, while being overly emotional.

Oh, and whenever you meet someone new, you get to say, “Hi! I’m, like, a basic girl, and my favorite color is vodka!”

Of course, in order to be eligible for this costume, it is imperative that you’re a woman; and if you’re currently basic, then you can’t dress up as yourself.

2. A Democrat

In my personal opinion, this is the most fun costume ever!

All you need to have is a bucket.

Now, when you arrive at the party of your choice, this costume requires that you go around to each person, steal their wallets, and take out a fairly apportioned amount of money.

To be fair, white men will have the most money taken from them — they’re so disgusting.

Once you’ve collected money from every person, you’ll then take the full bucket and dump it into a garbage can — it’s almost so similar to the actions taken by democrats in Washington that it’s scary.

To be eligible for this costume, you have to be an American citizen.

3. Zombie

Actually, don’t wear this costume. It’s simply too offensive to unattractive insomniacs.

4. Alice in Wonderland

This costume is specifically designed for all of the druggies on campus — that’s right, I see you all by the picnic tables near Mary Foust. All you have to do is put on a dress and trip on acid.

Surprisingly, there’s no gender requirement for this costume!

5. Miley Cyrus

To prepare for this outfit, you need to refrain from bathing for a week. Then, the day before Halloween, bathe in the sewer.

For the actual costume, you’re going to need to purchase a leotard — please, make it a rainbow one.

Oh, and in the interest of being authentic, only pansexuals can wear this costume; if you dress up as Miley Cyrus and you’re not physically attracted to all genders, then you’re a bigot.

6. Donald Trump

If you dress up as Donald Trump for Halloween, then you have zero imagination. Like, you’re a low-energy loser.

But, just in case someone does decide to dress up like The Donald, then I’d recommend adding “Hail to the Chief” to your Spotify playlist.

7. A French Mime

This is offensive to mutes. Only a deviant would consider dressing up like this for Halloween.

8. Alex Rodriguez

This is perhaps the easiest costume for dudes. All you have to do is dress up like a baseball player.

Of course, you can’t forget to bring a syringe and a healthy dose of human growth hormone (HGH) — bringing this and injecting yourself with it would make you the Daniel Day-Lewis of UNC-Greensboro Halloween costumes.

And since A-Rod is scared of needles, you’ll have an excuse to ask some pretty girl to inject the HGH for you…how emasculating.

Plus, with A-Rod being a New York Yankee, there’s no gender requirement for the costume!

9. Hillary Clinton

This costume is super simple. All you need to do is buy a pantsuit and lie about everything. That’s really all it takes.

10. Ke$ha

Never dress up like Ke$ha. It is super offensive. First of all, it hurts the feelings of every little kid who knows how to properly use glitter. Next, it’s offensive to people who have no fashion sense. And lastly, it stigmatizes people who brush their teeth with Jack Daniels — we just like the way it tastes in the morning!

Hopefully, you’ve taken all of these costume recommendations to heart. As college students, it’s our duty to make sure that no one — except white males — has his or her feelings hurt on such a sensitive night of the year.

If we aren’t vigilant about this, then we run the risk of triggering bad emotions that require someone to leave for a safe-space. After all, college has taught all of us that free speech is meaningless if it hurts someone’s feelings.

Then again, you could be a normal person and just stop being such a whiny and sensitive brat. If I were you, that’s what I would do.