Cason Ragland
Staff Writer

Bars and clubs are meant for a fun time. That’s why you get drunk and dance to very loud music at bars and clubs. You really wanna make sure no one can hear a word you’re saying to them, that way the connections you make will last forever. First, however, you’ll need to know the kinds of people who show up at bars and clubs. There’s some strange ones, to be sure, but you’re all at the same place for the same reason. With these two things in common, you’re already well on your way to making friendships that will last a lifetime.

The Person Who Really Wants to Take a Shot Right Now

Dear lord, I can’t imagine someone who’s more fun than this. What’s more exciting than drinking from tiny glasses with all your buds and pals? It’s always nice when this person reassures you  of just how many drinks they’ve had that night. It’s even more exciting when they tell you how many drinks they’ve had in the nights before! What thrilling tales they are. The kinds of stories often include many assortments of alcohol which always keeps the listener on the edge of their seat. Round after round of shots, provided by this altruistic patron, leads to each member in the group saying interesting and poignant anecdotes that they won’t regret or forget anytime soon.

Those Two Old Guys

How long have they been here? How many times have they farted on those bar stools? These guys provide a hearty and welcoming atmosphere to any venue. Whether it’s a grunt, or a snort, they’ll offer the condolence you’re looking for. If you ask them for a cigarette they might say “Why yes, of course. I’m so happy you aren’t afraid of us right now.”

The Person with an Animal

Oh look, what a sensible and morally sound way to get the attention you never thought possible! This person has the clever idea of using an animal as personality placeholder. It works well, especially in the long run. How do you think Ronald Reagan met Nancy? It was that chimp, Bonzo, of course! Don’t worry, though, you don’t have to have a great ape in order to get eyes from onlookers. I think a bird would really do the trick, especially one of those talking ones. You could get it to fly around the bar and have it introduce you to everybody.

The Sad Man on his Phone

A sight for sore eyes he surely is. The woes that weigh on this man are not for the faint of heart. In the midst of fog and flashing lights, around the dance floor, you’ll see this man illuminated by the blue light of his iPhone. You’ll want to help him, you’ll want to point to his phone and tell him to turn on Night Shift, tell him it will be better for his eyes now brimming with tears.

The Gregarious Urinator

There’s no better place to start a relationship than a bathroom. The sterile environment, the atmosphere of cleaning solution hanging in the air, the sound of running water from the faucet. I’ve met nearly all my best friends in public bathrooms. They’ll usually start the conversation with something like “I see you’re a urinal kinda guy, huh?” Just one of a myriad of topics to discuss. Do you fold toilet paper or bunch it up? What’s your process of washing hands? How do you feel about those things that blow hot air? “Reminds me of my ex husband.” They might say and you’ll both laugh. Needless to say, this is a unique element of nightlife to cherish and hold on to.

The Mother

Though her children are at least twice her height, this woman insists that she’s the “mother of the group.” Parenthood is a serious matter, indeed, so I take her words to be true. It’s clear that the hardest part of being a mother, from what I’ve observed in my nightlife excursions, is balancing your familial relationships and your alcohol consumption. Moms all over the world wanna party, that’s true, but sometimes a mom can’t get a sitter and has to take her children out along with her. It’s an experimental parenting style, a total immersion into the world self indulgence. Quite fascinating.

The Person Who Isn’t Having Fun

How could you not have be having fun? Are you crazy? Bars and nightclubs are meticulously designed and engineered as places to have fun. Everyone there will be disappointed in you if they find out just how little fun you’re having. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were ostracized from your community. If you’re not having fun at a place that’s meant to be fun then you’re practically breaking the law. You’re a felon. You’ve committed a crime. Go to jail.