It’s that time of year again. That time of year when I get to write “It’s that time of year again.” because it’s close to Halloween! The brisk morning chill bites at the nape of your neck as you head to your destination when, suddenly, you realize you haven’t got an idea for a costume. I could help you with that but, instead, let’s try to take a more critical approach. Horror movies are a popular source when it comes to inspiration for costumes, but why? I’d say these scary films can serve all sorts of purposes in life. Horror movies make you, the viewer, feel bad and I don’t mean bad as in “not good”, but bad as in the hit single from 1987 i.e. like a neato point guard at the USA High School promenade with none other than Ms. Halle Berry at his side.
One way these movies make the viewer feel cool is how there’s always some really nice person to relate to within the plot. Who is that guy? Frederick? With the glove? He’s pretty neat. Is his glove like a knife-glove or something? I don’t know. That would be cool to have. You could make some like– artisanal spices, I guess. Oh, and who could forget Jason? His name rhymes with mine, after all. He wears a hockey mask and uses a chainsaw to kill children. Definitely a faux pa, if you ask me. The man had mad style, though, and I have to give respect where it’s due. What a couple of role models, eh? Two dudes with that 1980s neoliberal go get ‘em attitude. A freer capitalist market really does help everyone work to their fullest potential.
The next best thing about horror movies is the fact that all the moron losers get it in the end. You got the young bourgeoisie just prancing around their sleepover summer camps, not giving a care in the world. You’ve got the black guy with a scholarship to NYU, the Asian guy with like two disposable cameras, the annoying straight couple and maybe a camp counselor who just came out to his parents. All these hoity-toity, high horse riding, no good loons really serve no purpose in these films other than to disgust the viewer. When we see the noble killer tear the couple apart, their limbs dismembered, we’re reminded of the fleeting nature of love. These wondrous heroes expose the bologna in our society. They lead a moralistic march against the tyranny young straight couples. We cheer and applaud the efforts of the protagonist for showing us the inner truths of our mysterious lives.
There are 24 frames of photographs shown in one second of every Hollywood freaky feature. Each time you blink or look away from the screen you lose precious moments of movie magic when you could be feeling cool and great! Movies just keep on going and going whether you’re watching or not. It’s this kind of passivity that I like to take part in when I enjoy my media. Why be asked to bother with something like learning a control scheme for a video game or, god forbid, reading a novel. Those mediums have the audacity to ask something of you other than your time. Fie, I say, fie! Just put me in front of a glowing television set so I can feel scared and cool without any effort on my part. That way I’ll give it my full and utmost attention.