How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Extinction

Opinions_How I Learned to Love Extinction_Krysten Heberly_photo drawn by Frederick William Frohawk

PC: Frederick William Frohawk

Krysten Heberly
Opinions Editor

Often when we think of extinction, we think about the dinosaurs and the inevitable meteorite which ended their existence. Perhaps we think of the illustrious Dodo bird, which may be the goofiest looking animal to ever exist. Scientists are now predicting that we are now in the 6th greatest mass extinction in the history of planet Earth. Perhaps this is a good thing.

The diversity of species is crucial to the health of an ecosystem. Without the pesky fly, the frog can no longer eat and will die of starvation. Then there will be no delicious frogs left for larger predators and so the chain goes. But you, dear reader, may be asking yourself why that affects you. You tried frog legs at a French bistro on your senior year trip and really couldn’t acquire the taste.

Your environmental science professor may preach about the importance of frogs and pesky flies lies in their ability to keep an ecosystem stable. They’ll claim that without the balance that different species provides, other species will starve or be unable to thrive. But what have ecosystems ever done for us anyway? We live in cushy homes made of plastic. We drive cars which run on the combustion of dinosaurs.

We have even wiped out most species of potatoes on this Earth because they did not meet the criteria for the greatest invention of all: the McDonalds french fry. The diversity of species will never be more important than the flavor of those beautiful fries.

The mass extinction of plants is perhaps for the better. Without so many species of Amazonian trees, we can mow down entire forests to create feeding lots for what will become the second greatest invention of all time: the McDonalds hamburger. By monopolizing the species which can be bought and sold, we are ensuring more competition over these natural resources. If competition drives Capitalism, then the death of species is vital to the health of the economy. Down with them all I say!

With fewer species of wild animals, we will also be less inconvenienced by their presence. No longer will we have to replace our front bumper after hitting a deer on I-40. There will eventually be no more squirrels eating my sunflower seeds and thus ruining the aesthetic of my garden. Perhaps we can even remove bears from Yosemite. I shouldn’t be afraid on my summer hiking trip. The whole point was to get the perfect Instagram picture, not to see a natural inhabitant of the ecosystem who has a one in a million chance of attacking me. It’s still a chance after all.

The separation of humans and nature was by the will of God. As the superior species, we should be picking and choosing what stayed. Perhaps we’ve lost a few species along the way, but they weren’t serving us anyways. If it’s not being crushed to make medicine, harvested for food or killed for fashion, who needs it anyway?

Perhaps our environmental science professors are right, and by wiping out species, we will collapse entire ecosystems. But then we can just turn to lab-based food creations. Sunlight, soil, and clean water are overrated as long as we can still create Pizza Rolls. So long as fast and frozen foods still exist, farms are completely unnecessary. They take up future Forever 21 locations anyways.

The natural world was always just for hippies anyways. The future does not require diverse species, so long as we can still order food straight to our homes or see wild animals in zoos. The Earth was solely made for human inhabitants, and as thus we should not have to so much as think about the rights of other species who we may be killing with our way of life. So long as we have McDonalds and shopping, all of our needs will be met. To Hell with everything else.

Categories: Opinions, Uncategorized

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2 replies

  1. Finally you have come into my world! Lets celebrate with some barbeque anything!


  2. I believe the platypus wins the goofy award, over the dodo.
    *** well, my opinion anyways


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