Satire: Kids These Days

Sarah Grace Goolden
Opinions Editor

opinions_sarah grace_kids_wikimedia commons_Ric Manning

PC: Ric Manning

You know, I really think this is it. This generation is gonna be the one to mess everything up. Yup, Baby Boomers are going to tank this great country we’ve created.

It’s hard to believe with all the information in the world is at our fingertips and yet kids these days just don’t seem too bright. There are so many books out there! I bet there are ones for absolutely anything you could imagine. I’ve seen one that only had people’s names and numbers in it. It’s absolute madness.

How can anyone not be informed when they’ve got entire libraries at their disposal. If someone’s not willing to simply walk to one, sift through the books, find one their looking for and read it, well then they’re just lazy! In my house, the only book we had was the good one.

Speaking of lazy, students really don’t know how they good they’ve got it. Whenever it’s time to head to school, it’s always whining! You know, I didn’t have the privilege of walking fifteen miles to school both ways, because of a little thing called Polio. Nowadays kids are coddled with their “vaccines” and “no smoking indoors policies.” You think not having a ‘swell’ date for the Sadie-Hawkins dance is bad? Try being in an Iron Lung.

The convenience of technology is truly going to be the death of us. People barely remember life without a microwave. Want to heat up your TV dinner? In my time, you had to make a fire yourself. That’s what’s wrong with this generation- They don’t make enough fires!

In the same vein, if you heard voices in your head back in the day, they’d send you to the loony bin. Well now, that’s just the radio! Also, when did we stop doing lobotomies?

Kids these days are just plain ungrateful. You know what I got as a graduation present? The Great Depression. Next time you find yourself asking for a slinky, remember the only toy I ever got were the sticks outside- and that was only if there had been a nasty storm the night before. We couldn’t afford to just give out branches willy-nilly. So quit complaining about your mother’s casserole. I had sleep for dinner most nights!

The thing that drives me absolutely bonkers is that ‘doctors’ are always saying that everything is bad for you now. That’s why children are so weak. They don’t have cigarettes to toughen up their lungs and some heroin cough syrup for when they’re sick. I always felt as good as new after a nice Barbiturate nap.

My father used to complain about my generation and his father complained about his, but gee whiz, this one just about takes the cake. I really think the 1960’s are gonna be the worst decade of kids to date. Imagine when they’re running the country! I’d rather not.

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