The Amazing Baby Muzzle: Satire

Patrick O’Connell
Staff Writer

PC: Pierre Markuse

I had an experience recently on an airplane. It had me thinking about responsible gun ownership, and how we have laws in place so people can’t infringe on the livelihoods of other people. It’s like how we have speed limits and learner’s permits. We have strict laws that protect the peace and safety of the common person. That’s why I think that if you have a crying baby, you should be legally required to put a muzzle on it. 

Picture this: You’re on a discounted flight from RDU to New Orleans for a quick vacay over the summer. The AC barely works, but neither does the one in your apartment. You just need to put on headphones and catch up on some reading, and before you know it, you’ll be getting sloshed in the middle of Bourbon Street. Sounds good right? Then suddenly you spot a newly boarded passenger. He’s older, a bit out of shape and he looks exhausted. In his arms is a tiny person who can barely hold their own head up. Immediately you know what this means. Two and a half hours. Constant shrieking. The parents don’t do a thing. They’re numb to it. They’ve taken two valium and gotten lost in some episode of Pretty Little Liars on their iPad. Meanwhile the rest of the cabin is trapped in an inescapable nightmare. Everyone’s too polite to say, “hey, do you mind taking your baby outside?” 

Now picture this: Same flight. Same circumstances, except when that little gremlin starts to whail, the parent takes out a small device, wraps it around the baby’s head and places it in the baby’s mouth. It produces absolutely no noise for the remainder of the flight.

I already know what you’re thinking. “You can’t put a muzzle on a baby, it’s not a dog.” I agree. Babies don’t have snouts so the mechanics are different. I’m thinking of a small rubber ball that they can bite down on. It’s like a pacifier but much larger and takes up the majority of their mouth space. In fact, it makes it difficult for the baby to close their jaw at all. If you put in a small jagged piece of metal at the top, you could essentially condition babies not to teethe simultaneously. That’s saving time in the child’s development and saving money on pacifiers. It’s also saving a lot of unnecessary plastic waste that goes into pacifiers. All you need is one of my patented baby muzzles, and that’ll last till you can put them on Ritalin. 

Now, I know exactly what you’re thinking. “By conditioning babies not to teethe, are you worried you’re also conditioning them not to close their mouths?” Yes! I’m glad we’re on the same page! Some might think something is wrong with an entire generation of fully grown children terrified to close their mouths. That maybe issues could arise having people walk around with drool running down their gaping maws. But I assure you, these kids will be constantly catching flies and bugs and getting a healthy protein-rich diet from this. Take them on a bike ride and they could gather twenty, even thirty flying insects, easily. The only problem with that is there would be little food left for the birds. But what you overlook is that some of these kids will have huge, powerful jaws capable of catching birds. Now that there’s some protein.

This could also solve many behavioral problems in the education system. From the moment their apathetic parents let them screech like a banshee on a flight, they’ve been taught that they can make as much noise whenever they like, creating talkative troublemakers in the classroom later on. They won’t be able to talk much if they can’t even close their mouths to make a phonetic sound. 

Lots of problems are easily solved with this. Thirsty? Look up when it rains. Need to communicate? We’ll develop a whole new language based on grunts and tongue wags. Drooling too much? Just stand in the fields and water the crops. Every child is essentially an automatic spicket waiting to be used. 

I care about the children. I really do. I care about creating a new, modest world. All these things can be fully realized by taking measures against crying babies. Oh and I’ll probably finally get some sleep while I’m on the flight. 

Categories: Opinions

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