Jackson Cooper
    Staff Writer

It may not be common knowledge, but deep down, you know it’s true: one of the biggest fears about going to and being in college is that your roommates are actually serial killers.

Maybe they watch “Fatal Attraction” a lot — remember, that movie where Glenn Close boiled a bunny because she stalked Michael Douglas? Or perhaps they love asking questions like, “What do you think would happen if you just, like, disappeared and never came back? I need to know because I’m writing a paper on it…for chemistry.”

Okay, those are very extreme examples, but if you nodded in agreement about either of those, you should probably break your lease and leave. If you didn’t, then get ready to bite your nails because this week I will explain why your roommates may or may not be serial killers.

Signals Your Roommates Are Serial Killers

Never leaving their rooms:

Sure, I like laying in my bed for hours on end (a perfect Saturday to me), but if you never see them but know they’re in their room, it’s probably a sign of a budding Charles Manson. Be careful if there’s a weird smell emitting from the closed doors.

Weird music choices:

Okay, I enjoy Skrillex and lying about what music I like as much as the next guy, but if your roommates move from Skrillex to death metal while performing a satanic ritual with stones and tarot cards: BINGO, you’ve found yourself a couple serial killers!

They genuinely creep you out:

In passing, they mention your choice of soap is nice. Or they know more about your crush than you do. If this is the case, it is probably best that you start seriously worrying about your safety.

They call their friends their “clan”:

The term “squad” is in, and it implies everyone has his or her own kind of superpower that contributes to being awesome. “Clan” is what Van Helsing calls Dracula’s brides upon discovery of what Dracula is. “Clan” and “Coven” are off limits for naming your friend-group unless, you know, you’re Dracula or starring in “American Horror Story.”

They watch “American Horror Story: Coven” and complain about how they can do the curses better:

I’m going to let you read that sentence one more time.

They like taking photos of people “just for fun”:

Unless you’re with “Humans of New York,” snapping photos of people means that you now have their photos on your phone to…look at while in the bathroom? Or make a curse list? It has to be one or the other.

Signals Your Roommates are Not Serial Killers

You see them for more than 30 minutes a day:

At least they come home to change clothes and shower. If you see them even once a day, and they acknowledge you, they probably won’t kill you in your sleep.

They take naps:

The doors may be shut, but if they tell you that they’re just napping, then it’s no big deal. Oh sure, maybe you hear murderous screams coming from behind the doors, but that’s okay because they told you they’re just sleeping. There’s no way they could be doing anything else.

They have friends, a job or some sense of reality:

If they complain about work or their supervisor, Shannon, they are grounded in that thing we all hate to love: the real world. Serial killers often are disillusioned and not very realistic people. So if your roommate says that he’s going to slit Shannon’s throat open with a box cutter or throw her into the dishwasher and press wash so that the hot water melts her skin off, he has a pretty realistic view of the world.

Your roommate could love you or hate you, but it is important to know the warning signs so that you will not be on the news as an accomplice. Most importantly, make sure you get rid of that pet you’re illegally housing; Michael Douglas will tell you that Bunny Stew is highly unappetizing.