Spencer’s Spork

Spencer Schneier
   News Editor

Some questions in life require deeper thought than others. Issues such as fiscal policy, particle physics and the meaning of existence run deeper than most questions.

Often in life we avoid thinking about such matters, but occasionally one is stared down directly by them, and has no choice but to confront it.

As I sat in the iconic Yum Yum on campus, chowing down on the most delicious of all the low-quality hot dogs (my personal favorite food!), I was faced with the horrible reality that some people think this culinary masterpiece is a sandwich.

Forget the troubling consequences of such backwards logic; how can one compare the rubbery deliciousness of this fine cuisine to the versatility and open-endedness of a sandwich?

The sandwich is a blank canvas for the artist to dream on, adding whatever toppings and fillings the creator may desire. The hot dog is a direct statement, not ashamed of itself or willing to negotiate.  The hot dog comes with one, two, at most three toppings and is largely standard in terms of texture and taste. It represents honesty and integrity in a way that no other delicacy can.

The sandwich, however, goes with the flow and takes the shape desired by its context. In some cultures, it becomes pita; in some cultures, it becomes two chocolate chip cookies, with delicious vanilla ice cream in the middle. Sandwiches are the chameleons of food.

The hot dog, perhaps most importantly, is covered on three sides by the bun, whereas the sandwich is only covered on the top and bottom. To open up hot dogs to being sandwiches is to open up a large swath of foods that clearly do not classify. Does the fine audience of this newspaper really want to live in a world where we have to concede that a taco is a sandwich?

Despite the existential nature of such issues, it is important that we as humans take the time to stop and confront the hard reality that there are people in this world who believe a hot dog is a sandwich. The next time someone tries to make this claim, I implore the audience of this publication, please try to remain calm, and explain to them the error of their ways.

As far as the hot dogs at Yum Yum? Stick to the ice cream.

Categories: Columns, Opinions

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