Satirist’s Corner – Studying Styles For All Occasions

8.30.17_Features_Studyingtips_CasonRagland_Flickr_UBC LEARNING COMMONS

UBC Learning Commons

Cason Ragland
Staff Writer

It’s a world of truck drivers. We’re all too busy cruising in our own lanes with no words for each other besides those we share through our small electronic boxes. How is the contemporary college pupil believed to accomplish both their studies and their external affairs? Maybe you’re dating a very handsome man who wears a sports coat over a graphic t-shirt of a bedazzled skull on Saturday nights. That’s what I call a good problem to have. Still, your time might be taken up by things that you can’t control. In the face of these tribulations, I’d like to offer some ways to study in these most modern times.

Alphabet Soup

We are truly blessed, as students, when our professors let us eat whatever we want in their classrooms. In fact, about a year ago, I prepared an entire Thanksgiving dinner during my nutrition midterm. For this strategy, however, you won’t need all the things I had on that stressful and aromatic afternoon. Really all you need is a few cans of alphabet soup.

Let’s say that you’ve got an in-class essay to write. The night before the assignment, go to every grocery store in your area and buy all the alphabetical soup you can find. Brings these cans home and meticulously pick out all the letters you need to make a rough outline for the paper you plan to write the next day. Once these letters and words are in order, dump them into some tupperware and pour some of that sweet broth over them. By the time you get to your class the next day, the letters will probably be out of order. Your outline is right there in front of you, though. You don’t have any excuses.

Flash Cards

Write ‘em then flip ‘em, that’s how people have been studying for thousands of years. Some of the earliest flash cards known to man can be found in the ancient tombs all over the world. These kings and queens of yore knew things we could never dream of, and their studying materials are ripe for the taking! It’ll take a while, but you’re really putting yourself at risk when you use your own flashcards. Honestly, you’re better off raiding, and you’ll probably want to stick with the oldest monuments and civilizations. Places like China, Iran or even the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame are great places to start. Try not to get distracted by any other artifacts you may find. How would these things help you anyway? Some old pots and pans from a few thousand years ago? No thanks. I bet they’re not even non-stick. Also, you may find yourself preoccupied by any of the texts or scrolls left in these tombs. Sure, you could use these as primary sources in your next history paper, but why read all this stuff when the flashcards are right there! They save you both time and space.

Group Study

Nothing’s better than coolin’ and ghoulin’ with your buddies. When it comes to studying, however, there is absolutely no fun to be had. In fact, this strategy isn’t as useful for bringing up your own grades, as it is for dragging down everyone else’s so you look smarter by comparison. The easiest way to do this is to impose yourself as leader of your learning group and feed your friends false information about an upcoming exam. If you’re looking for a way to manipulate your fellow students without any guilt whatsoever, then I’m glad you’ve read this far into my informative article.

Start by letting someone else run the group study for a while. Take note of any tyrannical tendencies that the leader has. Slowly, but surely, inspire the other members of your group to revolt against the ruling pupil. Insist to the other members of the group that this leader is nothing but a fraud who’s trying to bring our grades down so that there’s a curve on the exam. If you’re studying for a 100 or 200 level class then this will be very easy but anything above 320 and you’re dealing with an apathy the likes of which our world may never care to understand.

Once your revolt turns into all out revolution, just take your classmate’s notes while they’re distracted in the heat of battle. With all the help from your friends, you’re sure to stand out amongst the crowd either by passing the exam with flying colors or by being the only student in the class without a serious head injury.



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