Many heterosexual women know the frustration and disappointment of going home with a man who doesn’t know how to get the job done, and by “get the job done,” I mean give a woman an orgasm. Whether it be from inexperience, misinformation or blatant apathy, too many men in heterosexual relationships are not getting their partners off while the male orgasm is pretty much guaranteed. Men’s pleasure is seen as necessary and absolute while women’s pleasure is seen as optional.
One of the key factors that leads to the elusiveness of the female orgasm is the lack of knowledge and experience among some men. We can all agree that learning how to have sex is an awkward, floundering experience that happens when you are in your late teens, early twenties or even later. Nobody can help you. Nobody can save you from the guaranteed awkwardness and embarrassment.
Our education system can’t even manage to teach teens to realistic or accurate sexual education, let alone how to have good sex. Instead of giving teens enough information to effectively navigate the world of sex, we simplify the female anatomy to the extent that some men don’t even know what the clitoris is.
According to studies done by Elisabeth Lloyd, approximately 75 percent of women cannot consistently have an orgasm from penetration alone. Many women require some form of clitoral stimulation in order to get off. This becomes difficult for women when so many men do not know it exists. This problem could be avoided if there were thorough lessons on the female anatomy in health class and more open discussion about female pleasure.
Misinformation is another cause of of the female orgasm gap. This misinformation can most often be seen in pornography. There is often a misconception that you can learn anything you need to know about sex from the internet. While there isn’t anything inherently wrong with watching pornography, there is a problem with glorifying it as as ideal sexual experience. While many women know that porn is in no way accurate as to what women want during sex, men have not been as privy to that reality.
Famous lesbian women on various social media platforms have commented on how lesbian porn is designed for men even though it is supposed to please lesbian women. Even lesbian porn depicts women placing various objects into their vaginas which, once again, ignores the significance of the clitoris. This gives men the impression that they can have a large penis and just make women have orgasms with little effort or understanding of how the female body actually works.
There is an extreme fetishization of the male member. Men are obsessed with how big it is even though size doesn’t make a big difference, or they are worried about how long they last. This places all the attitude on whether a man is capable of being masculine enough to please his partner rather than worrying about if he knows enough about her body and her preferences to please her.
This fetishzation is so extreme that many men believe they can just have sex as if their member is the only thing that matters, and it will get the job done. There are men who show genuine surprise when you try to explain that this just isn’t going to cut it.
While these things do contribute to the female orgasm gap, they are nothing compared to the way society allows men to feel apathy when it comes to pleasuring their partners. It isn’t at all unheard of for men to ask, or demand, to receive treatment they are not willing to give to their partner. Or to fall asleep as soon as they decide they have been satisfied. Our society keeps making all of these excuses for men and uses them as if they are commonsensical.
Women are accused of being bad girlfriends, wives and lovers if they cannot get their partners to orgasm every time, while should a man be unable to get his partner off, she is the one at fault. Women are blamed for their lack of orgasm rather than their apathetic partners and an apathetic society.
In reality, our society privileges the pleasure of men over that of women. Women are treated as objects for men to gain pleasure from rather than people for them to have a symbiotic, sexual experience with. As a heterosexual woman, I believe it is high-time we change that.