Jackson Cooper
    Staff Writer

There are many sinful things you can do in this life. Acts like adultery, gluttony, and poorly-timed sex jokes in meetings are all looked down upon as verboten in society.

But if man has the capability to commit adultery after binge eating at a lunch buffet and commenting on the size of his sausage at the office board meeting, he is capable of the deadliest sin of all: saying he doesn’t like pasta.

Who doesn’t like pasta? If you don’t: (1) you probably shouldn’t continue reading, and (2) you should probably fill your pockets with the hefty item that is your place in this society and float down the Mississippi River with your head hung in shame.

Pasta is a gift from the Lord above (For definition of “Lord”, see: Flying Spaghetti Monster).

Now, are you still not convinced that it’s the greatest thing since sliced bread? Well, pasta is so angelic, Italians decided to slice bread into little pieces just so they can have an instrument to scoop up every last morsel of pasta and enjoy it.

So this week, enjoy the top 5 savory pasta dishes.

5. Stuffed Shells

No, not the kind from the beach. Although, I’m sure those kinds of shells would go well over shellfish if you’re feeling frisky enough. The giant pasta shells you boil and stuff with cheese are so sumptuous, you feel like you’re in a game of Mario Party eating the giant food hat that gives you strength. Stuffed shells are a quick, easy recipe to make if you’re having a busy week (I’m looking at you finals week), and the sauce can be red sauce or alfredo. Throw in some chicken, if you need the protein.

4. Lo Mein Noodles

It is technically pasta. Lo mein noodles from China Café on Spring Garden are delicious, New York Style noodles. Cooked in sweet teriyaki and soy sauces, Lo Mein noodles are filling without being overbearing. There is simply so much of it that you can’t eat it all in one sitting. Which is why breakfast the next morning just got so much better. Plus, Lo Mein always makes a cameo in cop and romance movies; whenever people have “late nights in” or “late nights at the office” everyone’s always eating Lo Mein with chopsticks. Come on, people, we’re in America, use a fork.

3. Shrimp Scampi with linguini

I went to a seafood restaurant in Cape Cod during the summer I spent in the Berkshires and I overheard a very New York woman say, “I’m allergic to shellfish, but I like Shrimp Scampi—do you have it?” Needless to say, my friend and I kept an eye out on the table to see if an allergic reaction would occur, just to spice up the humdrum of the evening (Oh, grow up, you know you’d be doing the same). After hearing her, I ended up ordering the Shrimp Scampi and loving the buttery, oregano flavor trip in my taste buds. Scampi is never overbearing in its portions or taste, and there is always enough of the butter sauce to savor with some baguette slices. Just make sure you aren’t allergic to any of those things.

2. Fettuccini Alfredo

The classic. You can’t go wrong with it. Now, for us poor college kids, heat up some breaded chicken nuggets and slice them into small chunks to add some meat into the mix on an affordable budget.

I like to pepper up my alfredo sauce so that there is a bit of a kick to it, but some enjoy Alfredo as is; it is very flavorful as a stand alone. Don’t be afraid to add vegetables and meat into the mix, the more with this dish the better!

1. Penne in Vodka Sauce

In an awesome Rachel Ray episode she says, “Throw some in the pan and some into your glass—it’s times like these where cooking is fun.” Okay white girl, whatever you say. If you’re not feeling like being that much of a housewife and desire more—harder—choices, then Penne in Vodka Cream Sauce will satisfy the hunger you feel after taking several shots. The sauce should contain heavy cream and tomato paste as well as some kind of meat to enjoy. With every stir, I like to take a swig. Be careful with that, you’ll probably begin to start seeing colors. But once you are finished drinking and stirring, enjoy what is, to me, the most savory of pasta dishes and an irreplaceable cure for the post-drinking munchies.