Satirist’s Corner – Time to Freak Out and Panic

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Flickr / Gage Skidmore

Cason Ragland
Staff Writer

A hundred years ago none of this would be possible. A man once described as a “short-fingered vulgarian” is regularly taking showers at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. He’s top dog, head honcho, or what’s sometimes referred to as the President of the United States. This man has inspired people to say things like “Well, at least comedians have material to work with.” and “wow I bet music is gonna be great!” These uplifting messages have their place in our current social climate, of course, but they are messages the come from a deep seeded fear within all of us.

This passive and braindead technique of relinquishing one’s fear of our current federal administration is pathetic, if you really want to know. It is times like these that we must be actively participating in our primal anxieties. To be afraid is to be human. Honestly, that last sentence is probably the smartest thing I’ve ever written. I love those blanket kind of statements. Can’t that just be the article? It’s very poignant.

I mean, I guess I’ll carry on but I really do not see this article getting much better after a bombshell like that. If I have to lay it all out for you, then what I’m really trying to get at is that we need to be as terrified as we can be right now. By tapping into this fear, we can all bring out those instincts that our ancestors had when they first started migrating across our planet. I’m coming at this from a realistic perspective, you have to understand. The world will die by our hands, there’s no doubt in my mind.

Wow, I didn’t think I could top that sentence I wrote earlier but forget about that one. The one I wrote at the end of the last paragraph? You gotta be kiddin’ me. Where’s my Nobel Prize at? I’m a friggin’ genius of myself. Anyway, I’m pretty sure that as long as we remain fearful of our surroundings and government, that we’ll be able to survive any incoming doom. Whether it’s a nuclear fallout or global warming, by the time any of that stuff happens you’ll be so freaked out that the utter annihilation of our home won’t will really matter to you anyway.

Then again, who’s to say that it’s the administration who are the crazy ones we are supposed to be afraid of? Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a great idea to be scared during most of your waking life, but it’s always to pertinent to remember just what it is you’re afraid of. During the first part of this article you might hazard a guess that it’s the governing body which we should be fearful of, but who put them there? It was us! We had our choice between a neoliberal feminist (otherwise known as the Jumbo Shrimp Party) and a potatoman. We chose, by popular decision, the latter.

This, I think, is where my advice from earlier really comes in handy. Once you’re afraid of both your government and your fellow American, you’ll really have an advantage when it comes to incoming apocalypse. Just image, once it all really goes down, while people all over the country are scrambling to find supplies you’ll already be drenched in animal blood and screaming your head off while jumping on top of a modestly priced midsize sedan. A loin cloth is recommended if you’d rather not be too uncouth, but it’s totally just an option.

When the apocalypse is well underway, you’ll be grunting and snorting with a wide range of emotions just like our ancient ancestors. This will not only incite fear in yourself, but bring fear throughout your entire community. This isn’t some kind of commune, though, people can’t just rely on others to scare them into a frenzy. If they did, there’d be no reason for anyone to scare anybody else. So just remember, be sure to live in constant anxiety to bring out the most advantageous sides of your primordial instincts.

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