Satirist’s Corner – The Truth About Study Abroad

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Cason Ragland
Staff Writer

So you think you’re gonna study abroad, huh? You really think you’re better than everyone? Well, let me tell you from experience that you are justified in thinking such a way. I’m sorry for my accusatory tone at the beginning, it was only to weed out the cowards. Anyway, now that you’ve decided to take on the brave and arduous journey of studying abroad, you better be ready to have your dreams crushed. Not only will it be a waste of time, but you’ll also lose hundreds if not thousands of U.S. dollars in the process. If you’re gonna study abroad, just be sure not to have any fun and to only go because it’ll make you a smarter and better person than anyone else.

Let me just say that you haven’t learned a single thing about anything if you haven’t left these United States of America. This country is but one tiny mound of soil on the planet Earth. There are so many cultures, languages and customs to immerse yourself in. There’s so many that, quite frankly, it’s just too overwhelming. Luckily, if you’re a native English speaker, you’ll be able to learn all sorts of things about your own language.

This is because you’ll become everyone’s honorary English tutor. Teaching really is the best way to learn, and besides, you’ll gain better understanding of something that you’ll actually be able to utilize when you get back home. Also, the distinguished and unique cuisine of any culture can be easily appropriated and used as a catalyst to spark the idea for your next fusion restaurant. Studying abroad is about so many things, but all those things circulate around you and your intelligence.

In this world you can find a myriad of ways to try and improve yourself. With traveling, especially for long periods of time, you can show others that you’ve improved in one simple sentence. There’s no need to take any kind of action to show your care and admiration for your community; just pull out your passport and show them all the pretty stamps you’ve got. In their minds, they’re imagining you crawling through city streets, crossing busy intersections and meeting beautiful people.

All of this is true, right and virtuous. Even with just an American passport, you should be welcomed warmly by any country you visit. If you don’t get a standing ovation when you go through customs then you’re probably going to the wrong place. If you really are that brave then I commend you, and so will the Transportation Security Administration upon your return. It’s customary for the administration to have cake and coffee with them once you land. My cake had “Welcome back, Cason! Why did you go to Istanbul? We’re just wondering,” written on it.

The return from your travels abroad is far more important than the actual trip. Be prepared to hear things like “So, there and back again, eh?” and “Good on you, man, you’re good. You’re really good. You are great.” Sooner or later, though, you’re gonna lose that charm and be assimilated back into your native culture. Cherish these fleeting moments and hold onto them for the rest of your days. The memories of another world are what make you, by default, a more interesting and better person than your peers. It’s been a long time comin’ but now your confidence is the likes of which that no one has ever even known the likes of which.

“Fortune favors the bold” is more or less just another way to say “hold my beer.” As humans (here comes another keen observation, just so you know), we crave attention. Many of us choose to create a chaotic lifestyle for ourselves, and we can’t see how it affects the people around us. Others are placid and peel petals off petunias. Travelers, however, are a different sort. A rare breed. Basically the human equivalent to a holographic Charizard card.

 



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