Satirist’s Corner – The Value of Education


Flickr / House Tutor

Cason Ragland
Staff Writer

If there’s one thing about university you can rely on it’s the fact that you’ll always get your money’s worth. Each class offers new and insightful inspirations that will remain in your heart for the rest of your days. This can be found most easily in the general education classes that all students have to take. I can’t begin to tell you the kind of value I’ve gotten out of these classes. Do you know how many quasars I counted in the starry sky last night? I counted at least twice a baker’s dozen. Universities are so efficient at their job of teaching that, to be fair, they should really start charging us more.

I mean, it’s like highway robbery at this point. We practically get off scot-free. Sure, your tuition might be tied up in debt, but knowledge is more valuable than any currency, liquid or otherwise. You may not have the cash, but the federal government has got your back. With the newfound knowledge of all the classes you take, even those outside your major, you’ll be able to exchange that knowledge for dollar bills at a competitive rate. Maybe you’re at a party and you overhear some people discussing something collegiate.

You, the proud graduate (or soon-to-be graduate), can offer your intellectual services to the group at a moment’s notice.

Just imagine the kindness you’ll be doing for all your poor and stupid friends who never understood the value of a higher education. You’ll be able to tell them things like what a macronutrient is, or who Sir Gawain had to fight to prove he wasn’t a little sissy boy, or even what a quasar might be. When these kinds of people are just trying to have a good time, they love having unsolicited anecdotes shot at them. In fact, I remember my first college lecture like it was yesterday. It’s nice to relive that moment as a teacher and see the wonder in your friend’s eyes. A real full circle kind of thing.

I think it’s like fifty bucks per class or something? And how much are books? I’m never really sure because I usually just borrow a friend’s copy and take a photo of every page with my phone. Though, when I read the words that tell the knowledge of a thousand generations, my heart sinks with guilt. I acquired these new understandings by illegal means. For that, I am sorry. It’s a shame, isn’t it? Here I am writing an article on why school really is worth the money and I don’t even put that money where my mouth is. For that, I am sorry. I have destroyed my telephone and transcribed all my require readings in stone.

One great value that higher education can give is the value of understanding humility. There’s no better way to assure that someone understands a concept than to belittle and insult their intelligence. The farther you go with the insults, to more tragic the moment becomes for the pupil. With these painful memories etched in their mind, they’ll be able to recall any answer to a question they might’ve asked. Encouraging fellow students to scoff or cackle in a patronizing way is good for keeping up a shameful atmosphere for the moron who thought it was cool to ask a question. We’re at school to be smart, don’t you get it?

It’s also the little things about school that make it worth your while. The soft-serve ice cream in the cafeteria, the little bumper stickers that have the words “I’M A COLLEGE MOMMY” on them, or a janitor’s smile. All these things can reassure us that our money is in the right place. Just think, what junk emails would you read to pass the time if you weren’t enrolled in higher education? Nothing. You’d have nothing. You are nothing. That’s something my Philosophy 101 teacher said on the first day of class.

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